5 Characters We Don't Need in Marvel Rivals

In the vast universe of Marvel characters, not every cape-wearing wonder is destined for gaming greatness. As anticipation builds for Marvel Rivals, let's take a humorous deep dive into the characters who might want to keep their day jobs rather than join the roster. From questionable powers to impractical designs, these heroes prove that sometimes being super doesn't necessarily mean being suitable for a competitive gaming environment.

The Thing (Ben Grimm)

While we all love Benjamin Jacob Grimm's heart of gold beneath that rocky exterior, his gameplay potential in Marvel Rivals might be about as flexible as his mineral-based epidermis. While other heroes are performing elaborate combos and executing precise tactical maneuvers, The Thing would essentially be a walking orange boulder with a catchphrase.

Rock-Solid Reasons to Skip

• Movement speed of a geological formation
• Tactical subtlety of a wrecking ball
• Hitbox size that would make even Galactus say "that's a bit much"
• Strategy limited to "punch things harder"

Gin Genie (Beckah Parker)

In what might be Marvel's most questionable power origin story, Beckah Parker's abilities present a unique challenge for game developers. How do you implement a character whose power level correlates directly with blood alcohol content without raising some serious ethical questions?

Hero with a Hangover

• Power fluctuations based on intoxication levels
• Potential for inappropriate messaging
• Unpredictable performance metrics
• High risk of in-game "accidents"

Professor X (Charles Xavier)

Charles Xavier might be the world's most powerful telepath, but in a fast-paced action game, mental prowess alone doesn't quite cut it. Unless Marvel Rivals includes a "passive-aggressively judge your opponents" mechanic, the good professor might want to sit this one out.

Mind Over Matter (But Matter Still Matters)

• Limited mobility options (unless we're counting hovering in a wheelchair)
• Primary ability requires opponents to have minds (Doombots incoming)
• Most powerful moves involve sitting very still with fingers on temples
• Difficulty participating in capture-the-flag modes

The Almighty Dollar (J. Pennington Pennypacker)

In an era of digital currency and contactless payments, The Almighty Dollar's power set feels particularly dated. While the ability to shoot pennies out of his fist might sound painful, it's hardly the stuff of legendary gaming moments.

Cents and Sensibility

• Limited by current coin shortage
• Powers ineffective in countries with different currencies
• Constant need to visit ATMs mid-battle
• Potentially classified as littering in some jurisdictions

Big Wheel (Jackson Weele)

Perhaps the most literal example of reinventing the wheel, Jackson Weele's signature vehicle presents unique challenges in game design. While other heroes are wall-running and web-slinging, Big Wheel would be struggling with basic navigation and parking.

Rolling Thunder (But Mostly Just Rolling)

• Turning radius of a cruise ship
• Perpetual vulnerability to stairs
• Constant risk of rolling downhill uncontrollably
• Parking nightmare in urban maps

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While Marvel's universe is rich with incredible characters, some heroes are better suited to comic panel cameos than competitive gameplay. Marvel Rivals has the opportunity to showcase the best of the best, and sometimes that means leaving the coin-throwers, wheel-riders, and alcohol-powered seismic generators in their respective comic books.

Remember, not every hero needs to save the world in every medium. Sometimes the greatest service these characters can provide is reminding us why we appreciate the A-listers so much more.